Little Cbibbi Man..

little chibbi ma-a-a-a-a-a-n     " ^o^ "

if you dont know what i am talking about then i suggest going to youtube.com and typing in 'literal pants' in the search box and you will understand what i am talking about :)
i got addicted to that song and animation thing when my boyfriend max introduced me to it..at first i wasnt so sure about it, because it was a parody of yugioh, and i wasnt a big fan of yugioh...but, after watching literal pants, i decided that i would SOOO watch yugioh every saturday morning if that was what happened in the show.

anyways...

i just got over a cold that i had (for what seemed forever) it was stomach flu actually. . .
and it SUCKED! i practically lived in my bedroom =[
but i pulled through it and fought it off....BUT a few days laterrrrr I GET SICK AGAIN!!!
my throat is sore, and i'm coughing up flem...and i get frequent headaches and i get some nausea, and the 'feeling like crap' feelings...and im still sick :( but at least i'm better than i was. for awhile, it was so bad that i was coughing a lot, i coudl barely breathe, and my sinuses were so clogged and runny and stuff, that it made the right side of my face (from the bridge of my nose all the way over) throb and hurt.
*sigh*
i still cough, and sometimes it is harder to breathe, but overall it's not as bad as yesterday or the day before..

i had a good long conversation last night with max....
it wasnt anything bad, so dont worry were still rock solid.
i told him that i wanted him to know everything, that i didnt want to keep secrets. and i showed him my poems, and my suicide note from awhile back and i talked with him about my issues..
and he wanted me to completely open up about it so i could get it off my chest and so he could help me...
so i told him about the way i think, how long ago it started, when it stopped and when it officially kicked in..
i struggle with bulimia....
it started when i was 14 years old. i cant remember why, i cant remember how bad it was...but i can remember making myself puke.
after awhile though, i guess i stopped doing it, because i dont remember doing it any time after that....
but as the years passed, the suppressed emotions of eveything that i was ignoring or pushing off was building up. and October 2011 something snapped....

for awhile i wouldnt eat anything.....i would throw up at the sight/thought/smell of food...i cant stand the images in my head when i think about food and what i will look like after i eat that food....i look in the mirror and it's like i am looking at my worst nightmare....i dont want to feel like i am fat....ugly....unwanted...
and i have my moments/days where i feel the opposite. . . but not as often as i would like...
the only way i like to think that i am beautiful, is through my photos...
i am VERY talented with a camera....i can make illusions (or so i like to call them)
i can make myself look four or five pant sizes smaller
i can thin out my arms and legs, and face...
i know just what angles work, and which ones dont.
(for my own self portraits at least)
i can get a certain angle to make it look like i am younger than i am...
and i have a photoshop station where i can work my magic.
i enhance things, and i deepen others. i bring out what he camera doesnt, i pull the colors out more like they are when you see them in person, i make shadows sometimes that bring out more of the features...i can do anything....it seems..

and my photos are me showing the world, that i really am pretty...and that they should see that person, all the time, even outside the photos...
when i am around people....and i eat...i wait until i get in the comfort of my own home to deal with my .... issues....
but when they arent around......i cant stop myself....and it's a terrible thing...i know that...
but i'm just sick....and there is much more to this than i am saying...but i thought if i gave you the gist of it, it would be good enough...
all i asked for from my boyfriend, was understanding...that he knew where i came from, and how i felt about it and certain habits that i do, that way he wont have to get upset or wonder what is wrong and stuff...
and he told me that he did understand, (which made my world that he understood the way he did!) and that he was going to do his best to help me just as long as i promised to at least try to fix this. (which i did promise)
and he said that we are going to get through this together :) which i absolutely LOVE when he says that kind of stuff ! because it makes me smile...it makes me feel like im not in this by myself with a boyfriend on the side...it makes me feel like i have someone NEXT to me at the same level and understanding, rather than just behind me.. and that means so much.

i've been missing church and small group lately, and it makes me really sad :( not to say that  i havent attended, but i'm missing more of it because of being sick a few weeks in a row :(
i LOVE small group, i LOVE my church and my pastor and the kids i work with in the nursery..i was supposed to train with mer. one sunday and i had completely forgotten about it (we were training in the classroom that had 1st grade through 3rd graders during the service)
and i miss everyone there!! *sigh*
i hope that when next sunday rolls around, i wont be feeling too sick to go.
dude...i had my boyfriend over for a little bit while i was sick so he could help me a little bit with things because i was just too miserable and sick to do it, and even then i couldnt really FULLY enjoy the time spent because of that sickness. and i appreciate how he helped me and everything he did do for me. lol i hope i dont get him sick :( but anyways...thank you for helping me when the worst of my cold showed up. i really needed it.
so that's why i have been missing church and small group. because with me being sick for one. there are kids around and i dont want them getting it. two. i wouldnt be able to concentrate very well and i would be the party crasher lol. and three. i would NOT be able to stand the level of volume that goes on there. because of my headaches, i would be just miserable....

i dont know what to do with my zebra ducktape yet.......usually i decorate anything and everything right away. but this time, i honestly have no idea what TO decorate lol. i mean...i could tape my coffee table lol but that wouldnt be very uh....smart.
i could decorate another notebook....but eventually i will just throw it away....waste..
i could decorate my dog....but i dont think he would like that....lol

idk...i'll figure it out at one point. hey! maybe i'll tape my phone up!!! just the back though, because the front is like, harder than hell to even try to tape it lol. that's a good idea! AND they dont have any phone covers for my phone, so i will just have to make my own! SCHWEETNESS!!!

so i watched this girl's youtube and she was showing everyone her scars from her past (like on her legs and arms) and all i could think was, "wow i am so glad that mine do NOT look like that"
they werent deep enough to look purple and dark colors. but they were deep enough to leave a very noticable scar....my biggest scar is on my left arm...
and it's a little over an inch long, and its about....half of your nail (going from one side to the other not up and down in length) wide. right underneath where that is, i got a tattoo that says "strength"
and above that "kenneth" in my dads honor.
and the rest of my scars are just a bit smaller than that (just in width) and then some of them are very small. and can barely be seen...

and just so you know...i DO have a history of cutting myself...
all through my teen years, i was cutting...overdosing on pills...trying to hang myself....doing marijuana, drinking underage, etc...
i dont regret any of it.....i'm sorry for it....but i do not regret it....because it is the reason that i am as STRONG (remember my tattoo? strength? yep) as i am today...i would have never known how to handle myself and grow in those areas had they happened later in life when i felt like i had something to live for....it would ruin everything.

but anyways....
good morning everyone :)
it is 11:43 am on December 5th 2011.
i hope you guys are having a good monday so far.
comment below and tell me anything that you have struggled with when you were younger, and how it affects you now that you have that experience. i would love to hear what you guys have to say!

your blogger girl,
Annabelle